I feel like I’ve fallen into a massive pit recently and I can’t get out. It wasn’t a gradual thing either, one morning I was fine and then yesterday I woke up and felt like I had the weight of the world on me. I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I had to be at work for 2.30pm. So, I dragged my arse out of bed and then sat around the house all morning. My mother shouted at me for being lazy, but I was just trying to conserve energy. I could feel a massive mood shift upon me, and was trying to make the most of the fact that I could still smile without feeling like I was in pain.
Then, last night as I was at Darkmoon Faire trying to do my dailies in World of Warcraft- I saw an ex of mine. Not THE EX but an ex, nonetheless. We parted on bad terms, I’d basically said that I would be his forever and then one day I woke up and realized what a horrible mistake I was making and I basically sat there in front of him and had a massive panic attack. I screamed, I cried, I begged him to let me go. It felt like deja vu of when I broke up with my husband. But, I left anyway and we never spoke again. Until I saw him yesterday. I waved and said hello. He plays Alliance, I play Horde. He bought me the Wind Rider Cub that sits on my bed, it wasn’t like I could forget where the toy came from. He waved back, and that was a relief for me. Ten minutes later, he gets onto his Horde toon and we sit and have a conversation about life. How he’s training to be an EMT and how I’m pretty much just stuck in a pathetic retail job. I told him I was still writing and still trying to make sense of the world. He gave me a virtual hug and told me to be strong, because I was a great person and that all I really needed to do was to realize it. It was good to talk again, build a bridge over troubled water and agree to try and be friends again. He wished me the best in life and that he was glad I found someone else, and that they needed to be strong for me when I couldn’t do it myself.
That, was the good part of the night. I also decided that since one bridge was starting to be rebuilt, I would try and build another. So I unblocked THE EX and tried. Worst decision of my life. He’s not changed, told me how I shredded his heart and that as much as he hated me…he still loved me. Whatever. I don’t believe that for a second. You don’t belittle and bully someone that you love. You don’t tell them things like:
‘You don’t care who you take down in your path, as long as you’re happy.’
Is that really who I am? Am I really that utterly selfish that I don’t care about anyone else’s feelings and at the end of the day, it’s all about me? Some people tell me about how I need to put myself first sometimes, how I tend to put others before myself. And that’s what I believe. I will sacrifice sleep, food, free time just to make sure someone is happy. I work too many hours just so the bosses at work are happy, I’m rarely ever home and so I don’t have a social life because I’m always at work. When I do get time to myself, I have too much stuff to get done in the space of a day and I tend to overload myself. Or in the other extreme, I throw it all to one side and I just sit in a corner and cry because my feelings and the tasks at hand overwhelm me. Today, I didn’t get out of bed until 11am. I got dressed and found out I had ripped my pjs in my sleep, which pissed me off no end. I went downstairs and ate a bag of Quavers and drank two cups of tea. Thats all I’ve eaten tonight. Mum says she’s bringing home Chinese food for dinner, because she told me about how she’s worried that I’m not eating enough.
Food is a non-issue for me these days. I don’t care about it, I rarely get the time to eat and if I do eat I panic about putting on weight. I have a pretty unhealthy attitude to food, I know this. I’m vegetarian, and I read labels with the same intensity that some people read The Bible. Sometimes though, I will binge eat where I eat a ton of food in one go and then I sit around feeling sorry for myself and think about purging it all away. I’ve never been bulimic, but I could see how someone could feel like that. I just feel like a bloated whale. I don’t think I’ve lost any weight at all since I had my daughter in 2005 and this depresses me no end. My aunt was on the phone earlier, and she told me how I sounded well. Yes, maybe I do. But I’m a faker. I can fake most people out until something is really wrong and by that point it’s usually too late because I’m already at the bottom of my pit of woe.
I really don’t know what to do…