When I Was 30

Ever since I turned 30, my body has been hurting so bad. I’m not entirely sure why and there’s no reason for certain parts of me being in so much pain. Every time I sit down for long periods of time or lie down and then I get up…the most excruciating pain runs between my ankles and my knees. It’s like they lock up and then it takes a few minutes for my joints to work again properly.

I get up from the sofa or the bed or the chair and I walk like an old person for a few seconds. It’s embarrassing and I hate when people can see me walking. They ask questions that I cannot answer and they stare like there is something wrong with me. I’m not sure what is wrong with me anymore, so of course I cannot answer their inquiries. When I walk, I feel like I am 60 years old. I feel crippled and I wish that someone would saw off my legs from the knees down. When I’ve been sitting for a long time or have been asleep for a few minutes, the pain is so bad when I get up I wish that I was in a wheelchair. I wish I didn’t have to sit down or get up, the pain is getting so bad these days that I want to just have a life where I sit down all the time.

Sometimes I will walk for hours at a time, just so I don’t have to rest anymore. So I don’t have to sit. I hate sitting down now, beds and comfy sofas are the enemy these days. When I sit down, I dread getting back up. When I sit down on a sofa, I prefer to lie so I’m more comfortable. Yesterday, I was looking at some Hello Kitty watches in a cabinet close to the floor, and I could get down to see them easy enough but getting back up was proving more tricky. Luckily the boyfriend was there and I held out my hand so he could help me back up. I felt like a lady, holding out a gloved hand from a car or having the door held open for me. And then part of me felt like an invalid, an old person. I wasn’t sure what to make of anything anymore.

I want to feel like I look, I get told a lot I look like I am younger than 25. I wish I still felt that way, but sadly I don’t. I feel like when I do finally get to old age, I will probably be falling apart and that I will be bed ridden or in a wheelchair. I know I said I wanted to sit down, but only because I hate to stand back up. The thought of being unable to stand scares me more than anything else in the world. Yes. At this point, I’m scared what is going to happen to me in the future 😦