What’s in a label? I know we all do it, we look at someone with blonde hair and the stereotype is that they’re dumb. We look at an attractive guy working out in the gym and think he must be a steroid freak. We look at someone with glasses and think they must be a brainiac. Or a person staring at a games console is a geek.
Is it right to label people? No, not really because as we all know that we should never judge a book by it’s cover. We’re told this as young children, but never really put it into practice until our teenage years. And usually not until it’s too late and we’ve hurt someone’s feelings. So when this does happen, we learn to look beyond the packaging and the wrapping to see the actual person buried underneath. Everyone puts labels on themselves though, I’m not sure I know anyone who doesn’t. Even if only in jest. I myself put a whole lot of labels onto myself and I know that I shouldn’t as I know some of them probably aren’t true.
So what do I see myself as? Well, let’s think. I see myself as a bit of a nerd and a bit of a geek. I see myself as having narcissistic tendencies. I see myself as an arty, creative type. I know I’m an attention seeker and love being the attention of everyone. I think I’m intelligent but sometimes, I’m not sure. I sometimes believe that I’m funny, but not many people tend to laugh at my jokes. I don’t think I’m a good mother and that I should do more for my daughter. I wish I was prettier and I wish I could become addicted to something other than writing and my video games. I know I’m a fat ass because I’d rather eat Pringles than apples. I wish I was a better writer. I wish I was a better person. I wish I could care more about others instead of thinking of myself all the time.
A friend told me a few weeks ago that all this is just little stuff, and what I need to do is take baby steps to change the bits about my life that I currently don’t like. Is it really that simple? I feel like I’m such a despicable hole that it’s literally going to take more than a length of rope to pull me out of it. I drive friends away every day by my shear stupidity and my ultimate self loathing. They try to help, they really do. But eventually over time, people just give up and stop talking to me. And then I wonder why no one wants to be my friend or be anywhere near me. I lost one of my best friends recently thanks to my own stupidity and I really hate myself over that as he was an absolute gem of a friend. But like everyone else, he gave up trying to help me when I couldn’t help myself…and he left to deal with his own problems.
It’s times like this that I truly believe I need a shrink. Because using my friends as such just drives them away in droves. People don’t have the patience to listen or deal with me, which makes me feel like I really am a screwed up nut case who is incapable of ever having a friend. I can’t actually name any one off the top of my head (other than my boyfriend) who CLAIMS they enjoy being around me. I have a really hard time believing him when everyone else leaves me at some point because they say I’m too much of a pain in the ass and that they don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
Does my self-loathing, narcissistic ways come across at work? Is that why customers don’t give me decent feedback and why most of my colleagues go out of their way to ignore and avoid me? I try to be nice, I’m told I’m pleasant and positive by many people. So why do I think I suck so hard? Why do I think I’m the lowest of the low and I don’t deserve the time of day? It’s like I have this battle with myself, I try to tell myself that I am a good person and that I can reach for my goals. And then the evil, dark side takes over belittling me and making me feel like I have no hope in the world and that I should just give up on everything now.
Is it time to go on bended knee to my doctor’s office and beg for medications and a shrink? I’m starting to think so before I end up entirely alone.