Alright. Stop.

I really would like everyone would just get off my back for a millisecond. Does no one care about how I feel? I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown dnd all I’m hearing is how I need to come back to reality and all the shit that helped me to crumble in the first place.

I am honestly not ready to just jump back into the fray of everything….I am sick and I need help. I need to get back to taking my meds and seeing a psychiatrist. I also miss home so much and it’s really not helping because all I do is think about people like my best friend and my parents…and how much I love them. I’m weak, I’m not cut out to being this far from the people I spent most of my life around.

The US is a nice country, don’t get me wrong…but it’s not home and it’s honestly never felt like it. Look, I’m at a point where I know I need help…so why are people trying to block me from getting the help I need? I think I want to go home….I think that’s where I need to start.

Omg, spare me the damn drama!

I have had so much freakin drama over the last month. I’d honestly not talk about it online but lets just say that several people were involved and are still involved. It’s a big giant pain in the fucking ass and I wish it was done with already.

I finally started my novel though- so I guess I needed a big kick up the ass to get it done!

Good Vibrations?

I am so unbelievably busy at the moment that I almost feel like I’m vibrating. Last night was volleyball night and we played the Sand Crabs again. They’re a team from Marquette and they’re really good, so we lost again to them. The final score was 2-1 but we had a ton of fun, and that’s all that matters. 

I was just going through my calendar and marking everything on it for the rest of the month when I realised the next two Sundays are completely packed for me. I’m doing about four things each day. This week I have a VBS meeting, brunch at a friend’s house and going to the movies with Nick. Abby is going to Grandma’s for the day. And then next week I have Summer Singers, the church picnic and Festa Italiana volunteering in the afternoon. Ugh, I hate over-scheduling myself and I always feel like I’m stretching myself too thin. I have this really tight feeling inside of me and I’m all so very tense and hopefully come August I’ll get some time to turn my brain off. It’s like even if I turn the phone off, people still get a hold of me through my email. I feel like running off into the distance on a white stallion and saying “screw it all”. Or I could run off into the distance with a bucket on my head, screaming like Spongebob Squarepants. 

Talking about Spongebob, I’ve discovered that my alter-ego cartoon character is Squidward. He works himself to the bone and all he wants is a little peace and quiet, and he can’t get it because of his really annoying neighbours Patrick and Spongebob. Even when he wants his Sunday pedicure, he can’t get it because his neighbours want to test it to make sure it’s safe. Poor Squidward, I love ya and I know how you feel

Banging My Head Against A Wall!

I have been so stressed out today. I get really stressed out so easily. I’m sitting here at the computer, trying to type emails and stuff and Abby is trying to get my attention by getting into things she’s not supposed to. Then I figured that my hair needed to be straightened, so I turn on my straightening irons and I go to scoop the cats litter box while I’m at it. Abby runs in to see what I’m doing, knocks my straightening iron off the bathroom counter and onto the hard tile floor.

SMASH!! And now it’s in pieces, and I don’t have the money to replace it. I have no clue what I’m going to do with my hair now. It’s too expensive to keep it curly because it costs me so much money in hair styling product. 

And then I asked Nick to take Abby to the park and he just sat there like a mushroom, and we ended up having a big blow up argument about it all. It ended like it usually does, him standing over me scolding me like a naughty child and me in tears feeling shit about myself and my capabilities as a functioning human being. Grrr.

The Things I Say

I’ve come to a realisation that I tend to say the same things over and over again in the space of a day. In my head, I’m starting to sound like a broken record :p Usually, I will say them to Abby and sometimes Nick- and they’re always in my head. I’m almost certain that I sound like my mother at times, which I don’t think is the best thing. I always said as a teenager that I would never become my mother and I would never treat my own children the way that we were treated…yet, here I am. I suppose you want some examples? Okay then…

“Sit there and don’t you dare touch anything.”
“I thought I told you to sit at the table?!”
“Get in bed! And stay there!”
“Abby! What are you doing?”
“Honey, are you going to go to the store?”
“So I assume you’re going to the store after work then?”
“You two! Cut it out!”
“This is mine. Go get your own.”

Etcetera, etcetera. I say other ones, but I won’t bore you with a post made up entirely of quotes. There’s other things that float around in my head that I would LOVE to say, but you know I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to post them here. Usually I accompany these quotes by one or a few of the following:

1. Raised voice
2. Screaming
3. Pointing
4. Jumping up and down
5. Pulling my hair out

So yeah, I will be the first to admit that being married with children makes you bald, hoarse and an insomniac. I’m just warning all you newlyweds and engaged couples out there. Being married might be fine in itself, but having kids is a completely different ballgame. It’s like the difference between baseball and cricket.