Alright. Stop.

I really would like everyone would just get off my back for a millisecond. Does no one care about how I feel? I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown dnd all I’m hearing is how I need to come back to reality and all the shit that helped me to crumble in the first place.

I am honestly not ready to just jump back into the fray of everything….I am sick and I need help. I need to get back to taking my meds and seeing a psychiatrist. I also miss home so much and it’s really not helping because all I do is think about people like my best friend and my parents…and how much I love them. I’m weak, I’m not cut out to being this far from the people I spent most of my life around.

The US is a nice country, don’t get me wrong…but it’s not home and it’s honestly never felt like it. Look, I’m at a point where I know I need help…so why are people trying to block me from getting the help I need? I think I want to go home….I think that’s where I need to start.

Two-Day Benders

Uggggh. I honestly don’t feel the best this evening, and there’s not a lot I can do about it. Sunday night was party night, a friend of ours held his annual ‘Meatfest’ party and there was tons to eat and tons of booze. All we did was show up with a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and we were good. It was strictly an adults-only party, apart from one kid who was the daughter of one of the bikers there. I think that was the exception, kids were allowed. We didn’t take Abby though as she spent the afternoon with Nick’s family and they all went swimming while we had a kick-ass time at the party. Food was excellent, plenty to drink and the booze flowed all afternoon and all evening long. We got there around 3pm and stayed until 6pm, which at that point we needed to head back to our apartment so we would be home when Abby got dropped off. Then I went back to the party and proceeded to get slaughted. Nick turned up somewhere around 10.30pm and I thought he was going to pick me up and then we’d head back home but he stayed for a while and we left a little later. I was tipsy at best when he turned up and things started to get a little fuzzy after that. I remember everything that happened, it’s just that it seems a little blurry around the edges. We left somewhere around 11.30pm and I literally stripped out of my clothes and put on my pj’s. We both slept until around 7am which at that time my daughter and husband are all lovely and joyful…while I am peeling myself out of bed and crawling towards the sink, desperate for a large glass of water. I felt icky for most of the morning and started to feel better towards the middle of the afternoon…so I decided that it was time for ‘Hair of the Dog’. I knew that our party host from the night before was working at our local drinking hole so I went down to visit him and see how he was surviving. 

I get down there and he’s doing about as good as I am- desperate for water and another 24hrs of sleep. We talk and eventually the majority of the party goers from the night before all trickle in too. So the party starts up again, and I got smashed AGAIN. This time was not intentional, but I made the mistake of sitting of what is called ‘The Junk Club’ which is an exclusive club and entrance is purely by getting smashed and doing something stupid. The last member fell through the window in the mens room, so the next applicant has to top that. I have a feeling that I’ll be on that membership list sooner or later, as I have a habit of making an arse of myself while drunk. Last night the guys kept trying to make me flash my boobs, but they would have to get me horribly drunk for me to think that was a good idea. I was really drunk, but not as much as I would do that. I did knock my shot glass off the bar though and I was pretty embarrassed about that. 

So this morning, I wake up feeling like hell and I peel myself out of bed for the second day running. I look at the alarm clock and see that it’s 2.30am. I don’t make a habit of being awake that time of the morning, so I put some clothes on and grab a large glass of water with a couple of Alka-Seltzer. I watched Fresh Prince of Bel-Air for a couple of hours on Nick at Nite, and then my husband walks in from work. He asks why I’m awake already and I fell asleep around 8pm, so I knew that my body had gotten enough sleep for now. At this point, I’m craving something salty so I make myself up a packet of Ramen noodles, eat them and wash it all down with more water. I watched some more tv and then Nick decided he was going to head off to bed and I decided to join him as my body was crying out for more sleep. Got into bed around 6.30am and swore up and down that I would get up at 7.30am, so I set my alarm clock. I must have woken up to turn it off, because the only time I actually remember waking up is the last time which was 8.15am and I got up and saw to Abby. Still didn’t feel so hot so I made myself a cup of tea and watched some tv with her after breakfast. 

The day really hasn’t changed much, I’ve been hanging out in my TN Vols tshirt and a pair of black yoga pants. Abby wanted to go to the park, but my energy levels have been so low that I just puttered around the house and read her some stories. Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow as it’s her first day of preschool and I have to sit with her as they want the parents to stay- I don’t want people to get a wrong first impression of me and think I’m a raving bee-atch or something, ack.

Ewwww….

So I got up at my usual time of 7am this morning and the first thing I do is wake Abby up. So I open the door and I see her cute smiley face, only there’s a problem. She tells me she’s all icky and then I notice the dried-on sick all over her left side. In her hair, on her face and all down her arm. I look at the bed and it’s all by her pillow and all over it too. So to me it looks like she was sick in her sleep, Abby was lucky that she didn’t choke on it. 

So before I had even sat down to any breakfast or my morning dose of caffeine, I put the sheets from the bed in the wash, given Abby a shower to get her cleaned up and cleaned the carpet in her bedroom to get the sick out of it. I used to be so grossed out by sick, but Abby has thrown up so many times now (app. about 5/6) that I’m actually getting used to sick. Still can’t stomach looking at diarrhea though.

Abby is currently watching Charlie and Lola with her favourite soft toy and her favourite blanket. I asked her if she wanted anything to eat, but she told me no so I just gave her some water to at least get rid of the nasty taste in her mouth. I should probably brush her teeth too.

Empty Head

I’m sorry I’ve not wrote for a couple of days- my head’s been pretty empty and there’s not a lot going on over here. Well, maybe a couple of things.

Abby’s not very well at all and she’s been keeping me hopping. She has a cold, a sore throat and a cough. Luckily for her, she’s still as chipper as ever so at least she isn’t being all crabby. I need to find her some better cough/cold medicine though because I swear the Kids’ Tylenol that we’re currently giving her is almost a placebo. No cold medicine ever seems to work with her and we just let her sleep more and give her lots of fluids. Which is what I imagine they did before kids cold medicine was available. 

Me and Nick had a little time to ourselves last night. Our next door neighbour was willing to look after Abby for an hour so we snuck out to the local bar to discuss WoW tactics with our Guild Master, who happens to work down there. Yeah I know we’re weird, but what else are you supposed to do in the space of an hour? Can’t go out for dinner or see a movie. Can’t do much at all. It was nice though to spend a little time together before I went home to look after Abby for the night. So she got to bed a little late. 

Ugh. I just thought, it’s volleyball tonight and I don’t think I’m gonna go because well, 1. I suck at it…and 2. Abby’s sick and I don’t want her being around kids like Kai or Hailey or even worse Samuel, who’s only a few days old. Yep, think we’ll stay at home tonight.

Sick As A Dog

So after writing last night’s post, I went out for a drink with some friends. My next door neighbour looked after Abby for me and we all went to La Cage in Walker’s Point. I’d never been to La Cage before, and the next time I go I will not be mixing my alcohol again. My booze of choice at the moment in a margarita on the rocks, so I had about three of those and my friend kept on buying these layered shots. Which was a bad, bad move and threw up twice just before we headed home around 1.30am. I somehow managed to get in the house and then proceeded to kick off my shoes, peel off my clothes and get into bed. I couldn’t be bothered with trying to put on my pyjamas and I didn’t have the coordination to take off my make up…so I literally just fell into bed, and that was around 2am. I woke up this morning around 9am and rolled out of bed. Changed my underwear and threw on some clothes, then went to the bathroom and went to take off my make up- finally. 

I was lying around on the couch for most of the day, but at around 11am I just felt so ill and tired that I went back to bed for a couple of hours and put Abby down for a nap. Woke up around 2pm, felt a little better but my head was still swimming and my stomach was still churning. Around 5pm, I went to lie down again on the bed….but not even ten seconds later I felt the need to up-chuck again. Ran to the bathroom and proceeded to empty my stomach of it’s contents. I don’t know whether that was the after-effects of the alcohol or whether I’m just sick with some 24-hr bug. I felt a whole lot better after that, and cleaned the kitchen and made Abby her dinner. 

Nick got me some Rolaids and some Alka-Seltzer from the store and I feel a little more human after taking both of those. I was getting a little hungry at that point, but I didn’t want to eat a whole meal or anything. So Nick made me some chicken broth and I’ve been drinking that for the majority of the evening. It’s giving me a little more energy so hopefully tomorrow morning I’ll be feeling good, as I have church and choir and so much other stuff like the social choir brunch and going out for dinner with Nick. My stomach had better be ready, I don’t like being out in public if I’m ill. I just want to stay at home all day, watching crap on MTV and curled up with my cats. 

Disasters Averted

It’s really warm here this evening, and earlier on I went to turn on the AC and it made a whirring noise and then the breaker flipped itself to ‘OFF’. So I went and knocked on the apartment managers door and her boyfriend came to look at it for me. Turns out that the motor for the fan has burned out, and it’s just cheaper to replace the whole AC unit than to replace one part. I’m not complaining, we’re getting a new AC unit before the summer season really kicks in. I’m just glad that we’ve discovered the problem now and not in the middle of August when we’re dripping in sweat :p 

The summer season here kills me. I love hot weather, but the humidity gets a little much when you can’t breathe or sleep at night. I’ve been coughing all day long because the humidity is affecting my asthma and I’m gonna have to turn on the fan tonight just to fall asleep. I feel crappy as it is, because my allergies have been messing me around and that on top of everything is just making me feel proper miserable

Sickness

Abby is sick :( She has a cold and a bad cough. I went to the store this morning to buy her a bottle of Tylenol Children’s Cold and Cough and a tub of Vaporub. All I can do is let her fight it the best she can, and I’ll just have to make her comfortable in the process. 

I wish I could just take it all away for her