Posts Tagged ‘bipolar

26
Dec
08

Lost In My Own Head

I wish I could write. I want to work more on my novel, but everytime I sit at my notebook my mind goes blank and I feel like I’m being mentally drowned. I don’t want to push it because if I do that, I’m gonna go crazy and I’m not going to want to write at all.

There’s so many thoughts spinning round in my head that I wish that I could just talk to someone about, but I feel like there’s no one on the planet that would understand any of them. Well, that’s just not true…there’s a couple of people who will sit and listen to me talk for hours on end…but one I pay for and the other I’m starting to feel like I’m using as a free psychiatrist.  I joked the other day that he should charge me too.

And I have no more meds left, I am totally broke and I can’t get anymore Depacote. I’m starting to feel like my body is getting withdrawals from them and I’m already climbing the walls without them.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

20
Oct
08

A Better Day

Since I’ve pretty much gotten it into my head that I need to write everyday, no matter how I am feeling and it doesn’t matter on the amount of verbal crap I may spew, I know it’s good for me to get my feelings out- whether it be on here or in a notebook. I wrote a huge rant in a notebook, two pages long and it felt good for me to get it out of my system and into some kind of tangible form. I’ve known since I was a small child that I loved to write, and I’ve always found that it’s a good way for me to express what I’m feeling at that point in time.

I also watched ‘Prozac Nation’ recently, and I really relate to Elizabeth Wurtzel because I feel that she had a similar experience going through early adulthood as I did. She’s also a published writer, and just watching that movie made me feel bad because I realised that I don’t write as much as I should. I know that I have the talent to express myself with words, so I’m just chalking it up to sheer laziness. That and the fact that I keep thinking that whatever I write has to actually make sense and stuff. Which is not the truth. Sometimes I just write down random song lyrics into a notebook and I could look back at it in a week, and wonder what the heck was going through my head.

But because of me writing again, it’s really helping to clear my thoughts and help me to think rationally again. Meds would probably help me further, but because we have no health insurance as a family…I guess my own forms of therapy will have to do for now.

19
Oct
08

Let Me Out!

Today I’m having a day where I’m not really sure what I want to do with myself but mope around the house and feel sorry for myself. It just seems to be one thing after another, and I’m at my wits end because I’m starting to think that it’s all my fault.

Abby’s been really bratty recently, and it really makes me feel like a bad parent because I’m convinced that it has to be something that I’m doing wrong- since I’m the one parent who spends the most time with her. Nick got really annoyed by this attitude of mine, so he stormed off to the bar where I imagine he is drinking bottle after bottle of beer. As he said, “you don’t drive me to drink, but you sure make it easier.” How on earth do you think that makes me feel as a person, a wife and a mother? It makes me feel even worse, that’s what.

I skipped out on teaching Sunday School this morning (I’ve started teaching Abby’s class with another woman.) Because the other teacher was there, I knew I’d be able to stay in bed and sleep more…which I knew last night would be what I wanted to do in the morning. It also gave me a chance to take a shower and get dressed at a reasonable pace, instead of speeding through the house like the Tasmanian Devil at 100mph and tossing everything aside in my path. We were still later than I would have liked, but I was there. We were clean and presentable, and isn’t that all that matters? Sure I was there dressed down (not the hoodie and sneakers like I said I might) but there’s people there who were more dressed down than me. Heck, I looked like I was going for a night at the Ritz compared to some of the congregation. My hair was damp and pulled back, so I looked a little different but I honestly have given up caring what people think of me a long time ago.

I honestly just wish there was a way out of my mood that I seem to be currently trapped in. I know that I could take meds, but I’ve been down that roas before and they turn me into a faceless member of society…what the rest of the world would consider to be ‘normal’. Screw being normal, I find normal boring and dull. If I wanted to be boring and dull, I would be the atypical 1950’s housewife that bakes pies, makes cocktails and entertains the bridge meeting over at her charming family house.

I am not that person.

18
Oct
08

Rebellious Streak

Tomorrow is Sunday, the day of the week that everyone expects me to behave like a complete angel and not be the raving lunatic that I know that I am. Today I had a really horrible day where everything pissed me off no end, Abby was being a pain in my ass wanting my attention all the time and I just wanted to be left the hell alone. Nick knew this and so I slept for about two hours this afternoon, just so I could retreat into my own world for a while and be alone. It’s pretty hard to do this when you’re expected to be a perfect wife and mother and spend every waking hour with them.

I wanted to go out and get shitfaced. I wanted to go get lost, I still feel like that but part of my moral fiber is reminding me of how many people I hurt when I go off the deep end and do that. My choir director called about an hour ago and I was really sharp and curt with him- I don’t mean to be a raving bitch but on days like this there is no hiding how I really feel.

But anyway, tomorrow is Sunday and that means I have to go to church and be a nice person. What. Ever. I am totally not in the mood for that, I am uber tempted to turn up in my hoodie, jeans and sneakers and piss off everyone in the congregation. I always dress up Abby to look all pretty because well, everyone notices her way more than they notice me…and I’m fine with that. The drama queen part of me secretly hates it, but I don’t listen to her half the time. I had a meeting with the pastor last Monday and I explained everything about myself in great detail, and she was fine with the fact that I may have outbursts or crying jags in the middle of service. I turn up for second service wearing my jeans most of the time anyway, and last week I painted my fingernails black and wore my jeans. No one ever really notices the jeans, but for some reason the black nail polish seemed to freak them the hell out. *evil cackle* I love pissing people off. They work themselves up to have these ridiculous high expecations of me and then I trash it all by dressing really casual. Stick it up your arse, my church preaches all about being yourself in church and then half the congregation goes batshit crazy when I show up and wreck their perfect world :D

25
Jul
08

Writer? Hahahaha!

I am amazed at the amount of people who seem to think that I’m a writer and that’s my job for a living. Gosh, I so wish. I do love writing and I’ve always been told from an early age that I’m pretty good at it…but I cannot write a book or anything with substance to save my life. I’ve tried countless times to write a book, but I always fail because I get terrible writers block. I am certainly no JK Rowling. 

The most writing I do is on here, and I doubt I’m going to get any awards or book deals from it all. I know some bloggers do get book deals from their musings, but they’re usually people who are well known on the Internet and I’m afraid that I am not one of them. It’s not a sob story or an opportunity for anyone out there to feel sorry for me…it’s just the cold hard truth. It’s a brutal world out there online and it’s really hard for a small fry like myself to get into the big pond with the big fish. 

Besides, they usually talk about relevent stuff…and I tend to just talk out of my ass most of the time. I’ll admit now that I lead a pretty average, dull life and it’s nothing special. But writing this blog helps with my bipolar disorder and helps me to get the thoughts out of my head and onto something tangible. 

I kept a lot of paper diaries as a kid, and I can look back on them now and laugh my head off about how naive and clueless I was about so much in the world. Maybe I’ll put all the entries online one day, that’s quite a big project though.

11
Jun
08

Busy Bee Me

I’ve been so busy the last couple of days. I’ve had the energy and mental capabilities to clean the apartment, and when I get into that phase of the month, I REALLY clean. Over the last two days I have:

  • Washed the shower curtain and liner
  • Scrubbed the bathroom floor
  • Washed the bathmat
  • Scooped and scrubbed out the litter box
  • Scrubbed the bath
  • Scrubbed the toilet
  • Scrubbed the bathroom sink
  • Finished all the dishes
  • Scrubbed all counters
  • Scrubbed the stove top
  • Scrubbed the kitchen floor
  • Scrubbed the kitchen bin
  • Vacuumed the whole apartment
  • Febrezed every fabric surface in sight
  • Washed the blankets in the living room
  • Dusted
  • Cleaned every glass surface with Windex (including all windows)
  • Defraged, virus scanned, spyware scanned, registry cleaned and dejunked the computer
  • Cleaned the keyboard, mouse, Xbox, game controllers and remotes with compressed air
  • Oh and done about five loads of laundry
And now I am so beat. Wringing out rugs and mats in the bathtub requires a lot more muscle power than you think ;)
10
Jun
08

The Bipolar Epidemic

Mark Twain opens his novel Tom Sawyer with a scene from his own childhood. “‘Tom!’ No answer. ‘Tom!’ No answer. ‘What’s gone with that boy, I wonder? You Tom!’ No answer.”

Tom, it emerges, is hiding from Aunt Polly in the closet. He’s been stealing jam again.

Twain meant the book as a fond recollection of boyish mischief. He would have laughed out loud at the suggestion such pranks could be a symptom of mental illness.

Yet that’s exactly what some child psychologists are now telling us. Here’s a list of the “symptoms” they say are indications of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: “Failure to pay close attention to details, failure to listen when spoken to, follow through on instructions, finish chores… “

Sound familiar around your house?

Or perhaps your son doesn’t do what he’s told? That’s now called “Oppositional Defiant Disorder.”

Does he chew his nails or bite his lip? Could be “Social Anxiety Disorder.”

If he has difficulty falling asleep at night, the problem might be “Separation Anxiety Disorder.”

We’re saying “he,” because according to the experts, boys are nine times as likely to have these “disorders” than girls.

Of course that fact alone would seem to suggest a more innocent explanation — they’re just boys being boys. But this isn’t merely an argument about labels.

The range of childhood behaviours now classified as clinical disorders is growing at a fearsome rate.

Consider the following statistics:

According to the U.S. Surgeon General, 20 per cent of American children suffer some form of mental illness, as the term is now employed. The same would be true for Canadian children.

The number of kids diagnosed with autism in developed countries has increased as much as 500 per cent in the last decade.

Between 1993 and 2003, the number of youngsters found to have bipolar disorder in the U.S. jumped 40-fold.

Mental illness is now a leading cause of childhood hospitalizations in Canada and the U.S.

If those trends continue, psychologists are on the way to making childhood itself an illness. That raises some troubling issues. Just diagnosing a child as “ill” is life-changing.

What once seemed normal, or at least bearable, now has more sinister implications. But with a clinical diagnosis comes treatment. That might involve therapy, and possibly drugs, stretching over several years. And that too is a worrisome prospect.

At a minimum, it’s fair to say no one knows the implications of medicating children over long periods of time. Yet what we do know is scarcely reassuring.

The standard prescription for disorders like ADHD is a psycho-stimulant such as Ritalin. While some physicians claim to get good results, recent studies have raised doubts whether these medications do any good at all.

What’s not in doubt are the side-effects, some of which, like stunted growth, are clearly undesirable.

Of course it will be argued that psychology is doing us a service, that this huge burden of childhood illness it claims to have uncovered was there all along. And there may well be some truth in this. In the “bad old days,” no doubt kids with genuine problems were left to fend for themselves. A recent study found that nearly 70 per cent of adolescents in juvenile detention had ADHD or a similar disorder.

I’ve discovered a very disturbing trend over the last couple of days, I’ve unearthed something very wrong with modern medical sciences. Doctors today are diagnosing kids with bipolar disorder, some kids as young as 2. 2?! That’s younger than Abby. I was diagnosed at 17, and the doctors in the UK are very wary to diagnose someone younger that the age of 18 with the illness. So I know that this is just an American thing, it’s just like the whole ADD/ADHD craze of ten years ago.

 I read a story about a doctor who diagnosed a little girl who was 2 and a half years old with bipolar disorder. He put her on the drugs Clonidine, Depakote and Seroquel, the last of which is a potent, poisonous, antipsychotic. None of these drugs have been passed by the FDA for kids, you have to be at least 16 years old to take Seroquel. I know, because it’s one of the drugs I take. And so, the following happened:

Rebecca became like a “floppy doll” and died December 13, 2006, at 4 years of age, not from a psychiatric disease, because there is no such thing, but from the very real, very toxic psychiatric drugs prescribed for her. Incredibly, her parents sit in jail, charged with her murder.

This doctor who prescribed these toxic medications for her was a child psychiatrist. What the HELL ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH were the parents thinking when they took their TODDLER to see a psychiatrist? Kids that young DO NOT need to see professionals like that. Moodiness, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and lack of appetite is just what kids do. You cannot mould your children into perfect members of society with medications. They need to scream at you, they need to try and push their weight around. Toddlers are like mini teenagers without the need to constantly spend money. 

Mental illnesses were unheard of in kids when I was younger. Whether it’s down to just not having the research there, or whether some crack-pot has come out of the cupboard to declare all children bipolar, I just don’t know. Why can’t some doctors/psychiatrists understand that not all kids need to be medicated? I’ll leave with a final quote:

In 2004, the federal Food and Drug Administration issued a warning about an increased risk of suicide in children taking certain psychotropic drugs. The FDA also conducted a review of antidepressant trials in children between 1988 and 2006, concluding that the benefits of such medications outweigh the risks for most children, but that in certain individuals, the risk for suicidal thoughts and behaviors was almost doubled by the treatment. 

Double the suicidal thoughts? Surely that says something? :o

26
May
08

Memorial Day 2008

I’d like to dedicate this post to my Grandad. He died in 2005 and was a war hero from WW2. I miss him so much and may he rest in peace.

So I wake up this morning to find that my daughter has somehow escaped her bedroom to scribble all over the computer monitor with black permanent marker. Nightmare! Luckily, Nick knew how to take the offending substance with lighter fluid. There’s still a few streaks on it, and I’ll take those off in a minute. 

Other than that, my day has been pretty uneventful. Me and Nick fell into bed together last night at the same time (around 3am ish) and we woke up at 10am. Which was three hours later than what I usually sleep to, but believe you me, I felt so good when I woke up. After having three nights of five hour sleep cycles, I think that my body was really ready for a decent nights sleep. I probably could have slept for about another three hours, but at least I didn’t feel like I needed to take a nap this afternoon. 

I spent most of the day running to and from the laundry room, and while I was down there I saw that two of my friends had the grill out again. So I went outside to say hi and that was the first time that day that I actually realised how warm it was outside. I hate this depressive period I’m going through at the moment, I just don’t feel like doing anything. I remember when I was living with my parents and my mum would make me sit out in the garden when the weather was nice- just to get some fresh air into my lungs. 

It’s only going to get worse tomorrow. Nick’s going to the bank and he said that he’s going to finally buy me Pokemon Diamond that I’ve been pining after for months. Wooooo :D

25
May
08

Stuck Without A Map

I’ve just been feeling really lost today. I wasn’t able to fall asleep until 4am, and even then I fell asleep in the living room and Nick must have carried me back to bed when he got home from work around 6am ish. Most evenings I either watch tv or do my crossword puzzle books. I have tons of books, but I honestly don’t feel like reading. I have a ton of video games, but I don’t feel like playing those either. I’ve not been outside all day and I can see that the sun is shining…but the energy is just not there. So I’ve been switching between writing a story on the computer, completing crossword puzzles and watching CSI reruns on tv. The housework remains unfinished and I even tried to bake a cake but for some bizarre reason it fell flat and that never happens to me. 

I hope tomorrow is a better day. 

07
May
08

What a Joke

Sometimes I think that my relationships are all such jokes over the years. I’m quite surprised sometimes why i’m still in this one. It truly boggles my mind. Last night, Nick was such a crab ass and I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Today he’s been all sweet and lovely dovey. He’s so frickin bipolar that it’s starting to really piss me off. Even Becky agreed me- we were talking about him when we took the girls out to Betty Brinn’s. 

I can be so needy at times, and then other times I don’t want you anywhere near me. I’m a typical bipolar mental case. It really annoys Nick because he never quite knows what kind of mood I’m gonna be in when I get out of bed in the morning. I wish I could help him out a little more, but you know…it’s not like I have my moods set to a schedule. Yeah, I can see it now. 

“Yes, honey…tomorrow is Tuesday and according to my schedule, I’ll be a crabby bitch. So try to stay away from me tomorrow, k?”

Riiiiiiiiiight. I wish it was all that simple. 




 

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  • Is so happy cause she got a photo taken with Taylor Hanson!!! :-0 1 year ago
  • Waiting outside the venue to start the walk with Hanson! 1 year ago
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  • attempting to straighten my hair :) 1 year ago