Thinking.

I’m thinking that I’ve made my blog too personal over the last few months, and I’m gonna make it a lot more fun. Since I got my new computer, I’ve now got the opportunity to use my webcam and do video blogs…so I might do that. I’m also going to start posting new photos and junk…cause I have a ton on the computer that I never got round to doing.

This especially will happen when I finally get back to the UK. Just not sure really how to go about it all….I know it will mean that I will have to put in a lot more effort into looking un zombie-like and more like a human being, lol.

Hmm…

So I was playing WoW again tonight…just like I do most nights and I realised something tonight. I realised that I play this game way too much and I seriously need to see the sun more, I’m starting to feel like some albino basement dweller, lol. I should at least try to see the sun some more before I have to move back to the gloomy world of the Undercity. Yes I mean the UK.

It’s sad isn’t it when you associate your home land with a city in the game you play WAY too much, lol. But yeah, tomorrow I need get outside. I’m getting lethargic because I don’t see enough sunlight. I napped on the couch this evening before I did some heroics with the rest of the guild…and I felt like such a lazy bum.

But right now, I am going off to bed again before I stress myself out and get all freaked out for another night.

Alright. Stop.

I really would like everyone would just get off my back for a millisecond. Does no one care about how I feel? I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown dnd all I’m hearing is how I need to come back to reality and all the shit that helped me to crumble in the first place.

I am honestly not ready to just jump back into the fray of everything….I am sick and I need help. I need to get back to taking my meds and seeing a psychiatrist. I also miss home so much and it’s really not helping because all I do is think about people like my best friend and my parents…and how much I love them. I’m weak, I’m not cut out to being this far from the people I spent most of my life around.

The US is a nice country, don’t get me wrong…but it’s not home and it’s honestly never felt like it. Look, I’m at a point where I know I need help…so why are people trying to block me from getting the help I need? I think I want to go home….I think that’s where I need to start.

OMG….I think I need to write some more.

I’m sitting here at 1.30pm in the afternoon in South Carolina…I’m sure that the sun is scorchingly hot outside but I was so sick yesterday.that I am just recovering today by sitting here writing, drinking some really good local coffee and contemplating what I want to do with my life.

I was literally on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, so I moved far away from Wisconsin for a couple of months to live with someone else in South Carolina. And I’m in love, seriously big time. It’s like life-consuming, I think of nothing but him constantly and he is seriously the love of my life. I get feelings about him like I’ve never had about anyone else in my life, I have the same feelings about him as I do about Abby.

It’s crazy, I never thought that I could ever get these feelings about anyone…but yet, here I am.

Life Is Fragile

As much as I feel like my own life is hanging by a thread somedays, today is not the chance to talk about myself. Today is my chance to put my narcissistic, self-centered behaviour behind me and the chance to talk about others that are older than myself.

A really good, very close friend of mine who is a very special person to me is having problems today- one of his family members is passing away sometime today. I have no clue if it has already happened or not, but I’m hoping and praying that he will keep in touch with me because I have made myself available for his every beck and call. I am a friend, and friends help friends out when they’re low and having problems- it’s what causes you to become better friends.  So please if you’re reading this, keep my friend and his family in your prayers because they all need it- especially him.

Lost In My Own Head

I wish I could write. I want to work more on my novel, but everytime I sit at my notebook my mind goes blank and I feel like I’m being mentally drowned. I don’t want to push it because if I do that, I’m gonna go crazy and I’m not going to want to write at all.

There’s so many thoughts spinning round in my head that I wish that I could just talk to someone about, but I feel like there’s no one on the planet that would understand any of them. Well, that’s just not true…there’s a couple of people who will sit and listen to me talk for hours on end…but one I pay for and the other I’m starting to feel like I’m using as a free psychiatrist.  I joked the other day that he should charge me too.

And I have no more meds left, I am totally broke and I can’t get anymore Depacote. I’m starting to feel like my body is getting withdrawals from them and I’m already climbing the walls without them.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

Ragin’

I had a really long day yesterday, the dinner with Shannon was amazing and she has a great family. It was nice to spend Christmas Day in that kind of environment because it was like being with my own family again and I miss all that. Shannon’s sister, Laurie is a blast too and she had us all cracking up numerous times and it was really priceless. I don’t think I could have swapped out that evening for anything else planned in the city. Yeah, I know my eyes are closed on the photo- I don’t care.

But I came home around 7.30pm and proceeded to dump my stuff and sit on WoW for a bit. Then I realised that I was getting a bit emotional so I said good night to everyone and excused myself. Watched a movie for a while then started to fall asleep, so I texted a friend and he called me till I realised I was starting to fall asleep on the phone. I excused myself for the second time and then promptly passed out with the cat next to me.

Now this cat is pissing me off unless I let him sleep on my bed and be next to me every second of the day. He is constantly under my feet, trying to trip me up and almost making me fall down the stairs this morning. Last night I got so pissed off at him that I started yelling at him and he rattled the doorknob all early this morning after I let him out the room. I think he wanted me to get up and feed him….hell no! It was 5am and I had been awake for two straight days the day before, so I just wanted to get back in bed and pass out again.  But I finally gave up around 10.30am and then got out of bed, fed him and then ate while sitting on WoW again for a couple of hours.

I then decided that I would take a shower today, because I was probably starting to smell funny so I run the shower and I get in. Ten minutes later, I’m almost done and the hot water runs out. So I’m standing there under the water and it’s FREEZING! So then I just give up, slump to the bottom of the bathtub and proceed to sob while the freezing water pours over me. Ugh.

I just feel like today is going to be a day where everything goes wrong………….pants.

A New Side To Christmas

Church this evening was nice, it was good to be surrounded by my church family and their warm greetings. Especially when most people were rejecting me from outside the walls. I was there for the candlelit midnight service and we were there till just before midnight and then went home to a nice warm house with a cat waiting to be loved and a pile of gifts waiting to be wrapped.

I am not the biggest fan of Christmas, right off the bat I will tell you that now. I think it is the most commercialised, over-advertised piece of crap on the planet. Christmas is about Jesus, and the gifts are just for the kids. When you get over the age of 20, Christmas no longer holds any special sparkle or happiness for you- especially if you’re alone at that time of year.

I, myself am 27 and have pretty much felt this way about the seasonal affair for the last six, seven years. A special person in my life feels the same way too. It’s only fun for you when you get older if you have kids and you get to watch the joy on their faces as they unwrap their gifts under the tree on Christmas morning…which in a few hours I will get the opportunity to do. I bought her some really awesome stuff and so I’m looking forward to seeing her in the stuff I got. I’ve still got a crap load more stuff downstairs from my friends for her, and I need to wrap it before I get picked up this morning at 9am.

I wanted to get some other people some stuff too, but money has been limited to say the least this year so I’ve been kind of bummed out about it. I’ve been up all night talking to a friend of mine and he’s gone off to bed now for a couple of hours sleep before everything kicks off…but I’m here watching the sun rise on yet another day in my life.

It’s Christmas Day, have a great day…get drunk and merry on me and Happy Christmas!

Snowblowing 101…and how to fail it!

So this afternoon, I wait until the snow stops falling until I go out to use the snowblower. Ha! Me and power tools are a bad combination, you’re thinking right? Oh well, you’d actually be right. Let me explain…

So I go outside all bundled up and I actually realise that it’s a lot warmer outside than I thought it would be, so I open the door and toss my hat and gloves back into the house- just wearing my scarf and heavy winter coat. I trudge through the snow to the garage, unlock the door and walk in there to see the monstrosity. I know that power tools can’t talk but every since woodworking shop in high school and the amounts of times I have failed that class, I honestly think these things are tormenting me.

I get behind the giant machine and do all the steps to get the thing started. It sputters into life and I push down on the clutch to get the machine to move forward. I realise that I have to put it into reverse first and so I turn the gear down into reverse and try again. I get out into the alley and things are going okay for me, I’m actually feeling pretty proud of myself because I’m here using a snowblower and I havn’t taken any injuries yet. Then I got to the sidewalk.

I stand in front of the sidewalk and gasp. The snow is probably about a foot deep and I am dreading trying to clear it. I manoever the snowblower into the depression where the sidewalk is and I try my hardest to nudge the machine through the white stuff and it gets so far and putters out. I try again. Fail. Uggh. Try again. Fail. So I give up, put the thing into reverse and it goes back into the garage. I find a snow shovel and go about the snow removal the good old fashioned way, with back breaking sweat and grime. Sure, my back is aching like hell now and I need to take some Aleve before I go to church for the evening…but at least the work got done.

We’re supposed to have another 5 inches of snow overnight. C’mon God! Have I been such a bad person this year that you have to torture me like this? You know I hate this stuff….I bet my brother was praying for a White Christmas and I got his wish instead. Dammit.

Drivin’ Me Crazy

How do men manage to drive you so crazy, then in the next step make you so happy? Sometimes I feel like I am stuck out on an island when he doesn’t reply to texts and phone calls…and it makes me crazy to a point where I have to turn everything off and just walk away because he’s eventually just going to get pissed off.

But then the second the phone rings and I see it’s his number or the second he texts me….my heart shoots through the roof and I get this huge grin plastered on my face and nothing can bring me down from my high.

Makes me want to bang my head against the wall, argh!