I’m a secret Country music fan. I can hear a thousand disapproving moans as I mention that, but it’s some of the most thought provoking and meaningful music I’ve ever had the pleasure of listening to. The friends I have made from it following various artists has also changed my life. I can remember my daughter dancing around the living room to Miranda Lambert’s ‘New Strings’ as a toddler and my first dance as a teenager was to Shania Twain’s ‘You’re Still The One’ . I walked down the aisle to Faith Hill’s ‘Wish For You’ and cried to Brad Paisley’s ‘Find Yourself’. I flew home from the States and listened to Carrie Underwood’s ‘Cowboy Casanova’ on repeat the whole way.
These songs have deep memories for me and when I hear them, the memories come flooding back to me as if it was yesterday. I can remember the smells and the sights and the smallest detail about the memory like I can remember the yellow tshirt my daughter wore when dancing to Miranda and I can remember the heat on my back as I walked down the aisle to Faith. I can remember being curled up in bed as my heart was breaking listening to Brad on repeat.
Now there’s a new song. Well, a couple and they’re both from the same album. The very first album from Lady Antebellum and two tracks I play over and over- ‘One Day You Will’ and ‘Home Is Where The Heart Is’. The first one is very important to me as I’m sure you know by now that I suffer from crippling self doubt. I never believe I am capable of anything and once I actually do it, I am in total shock that I even managed it. I believe that I am a terrible person, and everything I put my hand to never ever turns out. Like right now. I am going through a probationary period at work and I know the people I am close to are sick and tired of me saying that I don’t believe I can do it. I honestly believe that I am a terrible sales person and that my boss is just waiting to give me a fair shake of my three months- then he will happily kick me out the door. It doesn’t help my self-confidence in the fact that a new person is being hired. The problem is, that he’s not new. He’s an old employee and supposedly one of the best sales people the company used to have. So…that leaves me in a very bad situation. Basically, I am being told that now that there’s going to be two good sales people and my bad selling figures will stand out like a sore thumb. I really do believe that I cannot pass my probation as I am a terrible sales person. I cannot seem to hit the sales targets set for me and that means I will be thrown out at the middle of May leaving me unemployed.
Oh it gets worse. I don’t believe I will ever get another job. I’m 30. I’m over qualified and if I fail this, it will knock my self confidence big time. I know it will send me into a spiral and I’m going to end up back at the shrink and on lots of meds. When I’m at work, I’m happy and I’m focused with the task in hand. I’m cheerful and friendly, I try to make the customers feel welcome and comfortable in the shop. But the second I go home, I fall into a deep dark mood and the self hating begins. If I’m at home any longer than 12 hours, I become unwilling to leave the safety of my bed and I cry constantly. I feel like I’m falling off a cliff and into a large, dark hole. And if anyone tries to cheer me up, it’s just pointless because I’m just inconsolable. When I’m at work, I can’t focus on my problems because everyone else around me comes far before my pitiful ass. I’ve been called a workaholic, and this is purely because I hate to be alone and I hate going home. I know how I am at home and I will find every excuse in the book to not go home. I will stay out after work until I literally have to go home because I’m hungry and I have no money. Even on days off, I will leave the house and spend the entire day outside. I hate being at home, I hate crying and I hate feeling sorry for myself. If I’m around people, I can’t cry and I can’t feel like a sack of shit.
But deep down, I know that I need to conquer this. I need to feel comfortable being by myself. I need to not panic and fall into a pit of despair every time I am left alone for longer than two hours. Part of me just wants to give up and live the rest of my life alone, with stocks in Kleenex while surrounded by a dozen cats. And then the other half kicks the stupid side into touch. A part of me wants to make people happy. I want to do well in life, I want my daughter to be able to stand up and be proud of me. I don’t want to cry in the corner my whole life but I literally don’t know what the fuck to do other than to surrender my life over to the local asylum and lock myself away for an eternity. I want to be free as a bird, I want to be able to flap my wings and just soar above all my worry and stress. But I’m like an oyster catcher stuck in the mud, looking for the next scrap of food…