Change of Heart

Liam tells me I’ve not been online to my Battle.Net account in nine days, and I’m a little surprised about this. I wasn’t aware that it was that long, I really thought it was shorter. I know that with Christmas and New Year- things were busy in both my personal life and my working life. But now things have calmed down, I’m just trying to relax I guess.

I’ve been to the gym a lot, getting more exercise, trying to be around people that aren’t my work colleagues or my family. I’ve been reading a lot more, and since one of my resolutions is to try and finish writing my book- I’ve been writing a lot more too. A small part of me wants to get back into my comfy, slob mode and retreat back to sitting around in my sweatpants and not moving from my computer. Return to playing video games for days in end, only moving just to eat and shower. Yes, I shall admit that. There was a time when I was so into playing World of Warcraft that I literally became a reclusive hermit. People would not see me for days and I would only leave the house to be at work.

Then I met Liam. I strangely stopped attending the gym, which I still can’t understand. He helped me feel happier about myself. I stopped obsessing about every little pound I wasn’t gaining. He hugged me even when I felt like a massive hippo. When I cried because I felt lonely, he would attempt to comfort me over the phone or Skype. I hate to sound like a massive cheeseball, but he saved me from my own demons.

Not to say that the demons are not there anymore. They are, just in a lesser capacity. It’s not all about him though. Friends of mine at work have helped me come out of my shell, stopped ,e feeling like I’m the biggest loser on the planet. When I am with these guys, I don’t feel like I’m a thirty year old who’s had one of the crappiest lives known to the human kind. They make me feel wanted and they make me feel loved. In some capacity, they make me feel like I belong. And frankly, after a few years of hell in the States of being pushed from pillar to post- I no longer feel like a mangy rabid dog. I have actual girls who are my friends and don’t bitch about me behind my back. I have friends that are guys, and I’m not their friend because they like my boobs.

I’ve finally moved on from the teenager gathering of friends. It’s really taken me a long time, but I’m finally able to say that as an adult I actually have friends that I didn’t make when I was three and elbow-deep in poster paint. The people that bullied me and the people that stole my things from my lockers are like a bad distant memory. I’m a lot more chilled out than I used to be, and I’m working on being less panicky too. I stress too much and I’m trying to be better. I used to be terrible when I was younger and I’m not much better now- but I am better. Mediation, reading, generally chilling out and stopping myself from rushing around like a headless chicken- all seems to be working for me. I’ve learned it’s about organisation.

Breathe. In…and out. Deep breaths…and relax…

4 thoughts on “Change of Heart

  1. Nickie,

    Whatever happened to you daughter, Abby? Why don’t you ever talk about her in your blogs? She must be………..5 or 6 now?

    • I don’t live with her, so I really can’t write about her when she lives about 4000 miles away. She will be seven in April :)

  2. Pingback: Around the Blogosphere 14/01/2012 « Lashings of Liam

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