Label Me

What’s in a label? I know we all do it, we look at someone with blonde hair and the stereotype is that they’re dumb. We look at an attractive guy working out in the gym and think he must be a steroid freak. We look at someone with glasses and think they must be a brainiac. Or a person staring at a games console is a geek.

Is it right to label people? No, not really because as we all know that we should never judge a book by it’s cover. We’re told this as young children, but never really put it into practice until our teenage years. And usually not until it’s too late and we’ve hurt someone’s feelings. So when this does happen, we learn to look beyond the packaging and the wrapping to see the actual person buried underneath. Everyone puts labels on themselves though, I’m not sure I know anyone who doesn’t. Even if only in jest. I myself put a whole lot of labels onto myself and I know that I shouldn’t as I know some of them probably aren’t true.

So what do I see myself as? Well, let’s think. I see myself as a bit of a nerd and a bit of a geek. I see myself as having narcissistic tendencies. I see myself as an arty, creative type. I know I’m an attention seeker and love being the attention of everyone. I think I’m intelligent but sometimes, I’m not sure. I sometimes believe that I’m funny, but not many people tend to laugh at my jokes. I don’t think I’m a good mother and that I should do more for my daughter. I wish I was prettier and I wish I could become addicted to something other than writing and my video games. I know I’m a fat ass because I’d rather eat Pringles than apples. I wish I was a better writer. I wish I was a better person. I wish I could care more about others instead of thinking of myself all the time.

A friend told me a few weeks ago that all this is just little stuff, and what I need to do is take baby steps to change the bits about my life that I currently don’t like. Is it really that simple? I feel like I’m such a despicable hole that it’s literally going to take more than a length of rope to pull me out of it. I drive friends away every day by my shear stupidity and my ultimate self loathing. They try to help, they really do. But eventually over time, people just give up and stop talking to me. And then I wonder why no one wants to be my friend or be anywhere near me. I lost one of my best friends recently thanks to my own stupidity and I really hate myself over that as he was an absolute gem of a friend. But like everyone else, he gave up trying to help me when I couldn’t help myself…and he left to deal with his own problems.

It’s times like this that I truly believe I need a shrink. Because using my friends as such just drives them away in droves. People don’t have the patience to listen or deal with me, which makes me feel like I really am a screwed up nut case who is incapable of ever having a friend. I can’t actually name any one off the top of my head (other than my boyfriend) who CLAIMS they enjoy being around me. I have a really hard time believing him when everyone else leaves me at some point because they say I’m too much of a pain in the ass and that they don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

Does my self-loathing, narcissistic ways come across at work? Is that why customers don’t give me decent feedback and why most of my colleagues go out of their way to ignore and avoid me? I try to be nice, I’m told I’m pleasant and positive by many people. So why do I think I suck so hard? Why do I think I’m the lowest of the low and I don’t deserve the time of day? It’s like I have this battle with myself, I try to tell myself that I am a good person and that I can reach for my goals. And then the evil, dark side takes over belittling me and making me feel like I have no hope in the world and that I should just give up on everything now.

Is it time to go on bended knee to my doctor’s office and beg for medications and a shrink? I’m starting to think so before I end up entirely alone.

11 thoughts on “Label Me

  1. Pff, it’s rare that a blog post puts tears in my eyes… Do you know what the trouble is? People genuinely don’t understand. They think that depression is just being a bit sadder than usual and if they’ve heard of bi-polar, they assume it just means that sometimes you’re down, sometimes you’re up, but they don’t know a thing and if they do, they don’t understand and that’s when there’s a problem. I can see a lot of myself in this post. I’ve lost a lot of friends because of my depression. I’ve been too low to feel like talking, they’ve given up on me.. and it’s a pretty vicious downward spiral. I think you probably do need help, because when you get stuck in such a downward spiral, it’s only a matter if time before you become manic.. and as much as you don’t and can’t believe it right now, if anything happened to you, a lot of people would be very sad. It’s caused by chemicals going all silly, so sadly yes, medication does help if you get the right one. Stupid brains, eh?

    I sincerely hope you pull yourself up soon, I really do :( *hugs*

    • Hi honey, thanks for commenting :)

      I’m sorry to make you cry, I truly am. I never meant for that to happen. But I’m glad that you could understand what I was talking about. I also know that if anything was to happen to me, I know a lot of people would be sad. It just sucks, because I really do feel like I’m very much alone out here on my own little island. I just don’t feel like people would rather slap a label on me than take the time to understand me as a person.

  2. You can rest assured that you will never be alone. There are always people who will be there for you. I’m sorry to hear you lost a close friend recently, I had no idea. And you can rest assured that your boyfriend (*waves*), definitely doesn’t “claim” to enjoy being around you. He KNOWS he enjoys being around you, and you’re never a pain to me.

    You’re extremely pretty, funny, sweet and kind. You want to make people happy, sometimes even above yourself. You’re really not selfish and a joy to be around. It doesn’t matter how low you feel, or how much you think the world has turned against you, that is something I will never do. I know your current situation (about everything), and if anyone was in your shoes, I think they would feel the way you are feeling.

    You are certainly not the lowest of the low and you can ride high, so high. You deserve the 24 hour time of day from people, and never think otherwise. You are a fantastic woman, a joy to be with. Never think otherwise. :)

  3. I hate prejudice. I couldn’t hate it any more even if I tried. It’s just so wrong to assume things about people when in reality you have no idea about any underlying problems they may have.

    People see a fat man and call him greedy. No-one knows he has an eating disorder.
    People see a 16-year-old girl with a 1-year-old baby and call her a slut. No-one knows she was raped when she was 14.

    I know it will be hard but try to focus on positive things. You have a job, you have a relationship, you have a loving family. That’s far more than what I’ve got but I’ve (somehow) managed to keep going.

    You can do it. And you know where to find us if you need help! :)

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