Life Is Fragile

As much as I feel like my own life is hanging by a thread somedays, today is not the chance to talk about myself. Today is my chance to put my narcissistic, self-centered behaviour behind me and the chance to talk about others that are older than myself.

A really good, very close friend of mine who is a very special person to me is having problems today- one of his family members is passing away sometime today. I have no clue if it has already happened or not, but I’m hoping and praying that he will keep in touch with me because I have made myself available for his every beck and call. I am a friend, and friends help friends out when they’re low and having problems- it’s what causes you to become better friends.  So please if you’re reading this, keep my friend and his family in your prayers because they all need it- especially him.

Lost In My Own Head

I wish I could write. I want to work more on my novel, but everytime I sit at my notebook my mind goes blank and I feel like I’m being mentally drowned. I don’t want to push it because if I do that, I’m gonna go crazy and I’m not going to want to write at all.

There’s so many thoughts spinning round in my head that I wish that I could just talk to someone about, but I feel like there’s no one on the planet that would understand any of them. Well, that’s just not true…there’s a couple of people who will sit and listen to me talk for hours on end…but one I pay for and the other I’m starting to feel like I’m using as a free psychiatrist.  I joked the other day that he should charge me too.

And I have no more meds left, I am totally broke and I can’t get anymore Depacote. I’m starting to feel like my body is getting withdrawals from them and I’m already climbing the walls without them.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

Ragin’

I had a really long day yesterday, the dinner with Shannon was amazing and she has a great family. It was nice to spend Christmas Day in that kind of environment because it was like being with my own family again and I miss all that. Shannon’s sister, Laurie is a blast too and she had us all cracking up numerous times and it was really priceless. I don’t think I could have swapped out that evening for anything else planned in the city. Yeah, I know my eyes are closed on the photo- I don’t care.

But I came home around 7.30pm and proceeded to dump my stuff and sit on WoW for a bit. Then I realised that I was getting a bit emotional so I said good night to everyone and excused myself. Watched a movie for a while then started to fall asleep, so I texted a friend and he called me till I realised I was starting to fall asleep on the phone. I excused myself for the second time and then promptly passed out with the cat next to me.

Now this cat is pissing me off unless I let him sleep on my bed and be next to me every second of the day. He is constantly under my feet, trying to trip me up and almost making me fall down the stairs this morning. Last night I got so pissed off at him that I started yelling at him and he rattled the doorknob all early this morning after I let him out the room. I think he wanted me to get up and feed him….hell no! It was 5am and I had been awake for two straight days the day before, so I just wanted to get back in bed and pass out again.  But I finally gave up around 10.30am and then got out of bed, fed him and then ate while sitting on WoW again for a couple of hours.

I then decided that I would take a shower today, because I was probably starting to smell funny so I run the shower and I get in. Ten minutes later, I’m almost done and the hot water runs out. So I’m standing there under the water and it’s FREEZING! So then I just give up, slump to the bottom of the bathtub and proceed to sob while the freezing water pours over me. Ugh.

I just feel like today is going to be a day where everything goes wrong………….pants.

A New Side To Christmas

Church this evening was nice, it was good to be surrounded by my church family and their warm greetings. Especially when most people were rejecting me from outside the walls. I was there for the candlelit midnight service and we were there till just before midnight and then went home to a nice warm house with a cat waiting to be loved and a pile of gifts waiting to be wrapped.

I am not the biggest fan of Christmas, right off the bat I will tell you that now. I think it is the most commercialised, over-advertised piece of crap on the planet. Christmas is about Jesus, and the gifts are just for the kids. When you get over the age of 20, Christmas no longer holds any special sparkle or happiness for you- especially if you’re alone at that time of year.

I, myself am 27 and have pretty much felt this way about the seasonal affair for the last six, seven years. A special person in my life feels the same way too. It’s only fun for you when you get older if you have kids and you get to watch the joy on their faces as they unwrap their gifts under the tree on Christmas morning…which in a few hours I will get the opportunity to do. I bought her some really awesome stuff and so I’m looking forward to seeing her in the stuff I got. I’ve still got a crap load more stuff downstairs from my friends for her, and I need to wrap it before I get picked up this morning at 9am.

I wanted to get some other people some stuff too, but money has been limited to say the least this year so I’ve been kind of bummed out about it. I’ve been up all night talking to a friend of mine and he’s gone off to bed now for a couple of hours sleep before everything kicks off…but I’m here watching the sun rise on yet another day in my life.

It’s Christmas Day, have a great day…get drunk and merry on me and Happy Christmas!

Snowblowing 101…and how to fail it!

So this afternoon, I wait until the snow stops falling until I go out to use the snowblower. Ha! Me and power tools are a bad combination, you’re thinking right? Oh well, you’d actually be right. Let me explain…

So I go outside all bundled up and I actually realise that it’s a lot warmer outside than I thought it would be, so I open the door and toss my hat and gloves back into the house- just wearing my scarf and heavy winter coat. I trudge through the snow to the garage, unlock the door and walk in there to see the monstrosity. I know that power tools can’t talk but every since woodworking shop in high school and the amounts of times I have failed that class, I honestly think these things are tormenting me.

I get behind the giant machine and do all the steps to get the thing started. It sputters into life and I push down on the clutch to get the machine to move forward. I realise that I have to put it into reverse first and so I turn the gear down into reverse and try again. I get out into the alley and things are going okay for me, I’m actually feeling pretty proud of myself because I’m here using a snowblower and I havn’t taken any injuries yet. Then I got to the sidewalk.

I stand in front of the sidewalk and gasp. The snow is probably about a foot deep and I am dreading trying to clear it. I manoever the snowblower into the depression where the sidewalk is and I try my hardest to nudge the machine through the white stuff and it gets so far and putters out. I try again. Fail. Uggh. Try again. Fail. So I give up, put the thing into reverse and it goes back into the garage. I find a snow shovel and go about the snow removal the good old fashioned way, with back breaking sweat and grime. Sure, my back is aching like hell now and I need to take some Aleve before I go to church for the evening…but at least the work got done.

We’re supposed to have another 5 inches of snow overnight. C’mon God! Have I been such a bad person this year that you have to torture me like this? You know I hate this stuff….I bet my brother was praying for a White Christmas and I got his wish instead. Dammit.

Drivin’ Me Crazy

How do men manage to drive you so crazy, then in the next step make you so happy? Sometimes I feel like I am stuck out on an island when he doesn’t reply to texts and phone calls…and it makes me crazy to a point where I have to turn everything off and just walk away because he’s eventually just going to get pissed off.

But then the second the phone rings and I see it’s his number or the second he texts me….my heart shoots through the roof and I get this huge grin plastered on my face and nothing can bring me down from my high.

Makes me want to bang my head against the wall, argh!

Christmas…The Furthest Thing From My Mind

I think is probably the least Christmassy I have ever felt. We have no decorations up here, I’ve watched no holiday specials and eaten no holiday food. I know that will all change today because I am finally going Christmas shopping for Abby and I will be singing at the Christmas service tonight with the rest of the choir. Of course, none of the choir plays WoW with me and so has no clue how much that cuts into my levelling schedule- but I guess for one night…

I really hate Christmas this year. I feel like my family is only sending me a gift because they HAVE to, I’m not going out for New Years Eve and I have the whole house to myself over the holiday season. I guess this is what it’s like to be single- wish my friends were nearby because then I’d get outside more. But this weather is a huge sticking point for me, I am not used to the snow having grown up in the UK and so this is driving me nuts because I feel like I can’t go outside.  Not sure who else is sending me gifts, I already recieved the best one and he knows that I truly appriciate his gratitude at Christmas time on a person like myself.

I’m also starting to wonder where I ever fit in anymore. I feel like I’m being pushed from pillar to post and I don’t even know where I’m supposed to live anymore. I hate having such a messed up future.

Ho, ho, ho. Happy bloody Christmas to everyone. Go stuff a mince pie in it.

Cleaning….The Easy Way

While I was at the grocery store this evening, I picked up both Glamour and Cosmo from the mag racks by the checkouts- my one guilty pleasure other than Swiss chocolate :p Since I figured that this weather wasn’t going to be letting up anytime soon and I would have Christmas coming up on my ass sooner than I would like it to, I figured that now is as good as a time as ever to have a little time for myself. So I am indulging in ridiculous girly mags…not a fan of the trash gossipy kind.

I’d forgotten how naughty and racy Cosmo is…can’t quite believe that my parents were letting me read this at the age of 13! Hehehehe. Something in Cosmo struck me though, supposedly a psychiatrist out there says that the longer you spend time in the nude (sleeping, cleaning…whatever) the more comfortable you become with yourself without clothes on. So from tonight (unless I am seriously cold!) I will be sleeping in the nude. Heck most guys I know do it, why is it any different for a woman to do it? Couldn’t clean in the buff unless I thought I had a body like Jennifer Aniston or something but I do clean in my underwear. And I honestly don’t care what the neighbours think.

FYI: I just updated my ‘About’ page. You should go and read it if you’d like an update

Server Down Time Day

It’s Tuesday, and we all know by now what that means (what?! you’re a new reader? jeez….haha) so I am currently perplexed as what to do with myself. I probably should work on some more of my novel, but I am currently sitting at a desk with lots of popcorn kernels scattered under it and I have to go grocery shopping too. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned over the last couple of months, it’s that I have to learn how to break my day down into manageable chunks and take each project one step at a time.  Slow down, take a deep breathe and step back from it all.  And I’m not sure whether that is just down to my new meds or whether they actually helped my brain fog to clear so I could figure this out by myself…but I have had a few revelations over the last couple of days.

On the other hand, people at church must have heard me boasting about the fact that I’ve gone down from a 10 to an 8…cause now I have people left and right calling me inviting me to their houses for Christmas food. I got another phone call this morning from my good friend Mike and he was asking me to his mom’s house for dinner this evening with himself and Nikki. I’m already going to Shannon’s house on Christmas Day- do people WANT me to put the weight back on?! I’ve been working for about a year to get this dress size to come off, gawd people!

And we’re eating prime rib on New Year’s Day, and because there’s going to be a certain someone short at the damn table….I told him his portion was going to the dogs. He proceeded to tell me that he hated me…I know he doesn’t :p

Brain Dump

• I wanna have more kids but I know I shouldn’t.
• I wanna stay in the US.
• I wanna own dogs and horses, and probably a couple acres of land.
• During my massage earlier, I kept wishing the hands were someone else’s.
• I have the filthiest thoughts sometimes.
• As much as I miss the UK, this is very much my home now. I’m too adjusted.
• I want someone just to hold me half the time and snuggle up under a blanket.
• I have no clue what I’m doing in the next minute, never mind the next day.
• I want to do something for New Year’s Eve but I can’t drink and all my friends will be drinking. So I’ll probably end up staying home and writing some more.